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the oracle from the old, green lands came to me today. the great mother has warmed and fed and coddled me. because i called and cried. and picked myself up to find the help i needed. come into these arms again, and set this spirit free... i welcome you back, girl. i have missed you--your smile and spontaneity. your shouts and your singing voice. your cascade of laughter and your love of all good things. i have missed you. everyone has missed you, but especially me. this world is not the same without you in it. you're meant to be here. you chose to be here. this is your home. i love being speechless, the mind usurped by trees and sky and stars and body and breath. By love. i enjoy being so awed by the grace of the universe that i can only sit back and cry or laugh. a giant smile in my heart and throat. and yet i come here, now, to give voice to the giant spirit within me who has truly been voiceless for too long. a soul as wide and dark and encompassing as the night sky. but as bright and scintillating as any star or sun. full of intelligence of body and mind and spirit. drenched with sensitivity to all things. desperately in love with the earth and all life. vibrant and full of outrageous colors and sounds and thoughts and feelings. with a heart radiating green for miles in any direction. she came to love, love, love. with friends of angels, animals, trees, and the ancient folk. she is generous, soft, and gentle, but as wise and powerful as an old oak tree, and as fiery and spirited as a brilliant sunset and an autumn-swept hillside. she is quiet and intuitive, but full of shrieks of joy and enthusiasm. full of dance and movement and song. she is not the weakness she has come to fear. she knew she was never that. she knew she never had room for other people to hang their pain and anger. but she was a good child, ready to please. ready to stifle her anger and hurt and accomodate that of others. ready to deny what made her soft flesh happy in exchange for what she should do, what one must do. ready to believe the lies others held and make them her own. she forgot, somewhere, that it was good to have dreams, that her desires were good, that she was loved and worthy, and that all she was was okay. she forgot that there wasn't anything to do to be loved. she was loveable and wonderful because she was celeste. herself. with all her colors, and even with her delicious limitations. her teachers. wake up, dreamers; you're running dry. with the oracle's help and safe-haven, i cast out all that was not me. i said thank you and good-bye to all of them, and re-entered myself wholly. plus an invitation for lovely scott moore to be a part of my tribe. and i promised to learn how to not judge myself. to let my female side care first and foremost for celeste. and to trust my masculine side, that it would protect me, stand up for me, and keep me from harm. i woke up from a dream that i could hardly remember, but that has caused me such hurt i once hardly believed i could stand it anymore. i've thought about leaving, in the past, and had several chances. not because i didn't love it here, but because the hurt i was carrying was almost unbearable. i'm grateful my strong spirit willed me to stay, protected me from my own grief. and yet, today, i saw much of that grief. cried the tears that such dreams would invoke--the burdening of the soul with chains and armour. the relentless pain from misunderstanding--from believing that celeste wasn't just as she is: full of beauty, power, love, tenderness, poetry, and song. I had hurt from the pain of beliefs that weren't me nor mine. And from the anger and judgment I had turned inward, suspecting that there must've been something "wrong" with me. That if I were just better, all would be okay. Faulting myself for other people's beliefs, fears, and anger. i feel woken from a spell. liberated from a captor's breath of lies. awakened to my own participation in my suffering. without judgment or guilt, i see these patterns. i feel a great desire for my own happiness and freedom. for my own wonderful life. and the best part is, i am grooming a giant trust in my own heart, my own intuition, my own connection with god and the universe. an indigo child, she called me. as old as the Celts and the stars in the heavens. she is learning to speak her truth, to free up that giant voice that loves to sing, that sometimes is angry, that sometimes is hurt, and that feels spectacular amounts of joy and tenderness. to hug close to the baby within. to nurture and love and warm her. to vow to protect her and look after her from now on. i coughed again and again today, never before realizing how much my lungs hurt. how tight my throat has been. how i felt like i could cry for an eternity there in her happy, warm, yellow room. as it was, i was with her for nearly three hours, dropping defenses, dismissing guards, begging the universe to help me, and requesting the exit of all of the obstacles in my path. with choked voice, i forgave all who have hurt me. and i requested forgiveness for all those i have caused hurt. i took giant breaths that seemed to reach my tailbone and beyond, swelling a body i couldn't see. swelling a largeness in me i could only feel. and then i cried and coughed some more. and laughed at her warm humor, reminding me of my joy and my light-heartedness. i'm going to make new agreements within myself. new rules, if you will, for me. new boundaries. and all of these will need to only be passed by the intuition in my gut and the wisdom and love of my heart. and i'm going to start to taste my creativity again. my desire and my creation. my dreams for the wildest, most wonderful things i've ever wanted. my partnership again with myself and all creation. and i will be patient with myself and whatever timeline my spirit is working on. and i will enjoy silence and rest and stillness, knowing i am doing exactly what i need to be doing at this point in my life. i will stop opinions and accusations just short of entering my heart. i will be true to myself, just as god made me. and i will open myself to whatever lessons i need along the way, knowing that universe wants me happy and well and wonderful. ..The pride of the peacock is the glory of God. The lust of the goat is the bounty of God. The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God. The nakedness of woman is the work of God. So Hum. I Am. I've yet to start my real work, but as they say, you must hurt to know how to heal. She said, "You took that literally." And so i have. I've done what I needed to. What i could do. And now I'm ready for a taste of the sweet. The bitter cup hangs empty in my kitchen cupboard. The bowl full of bananas and apples on my counter looks colorful and enticing instead. I make my choice. I didn't trust it for a moment, What do i yearn for? What calls to me? She said he is on my shoulder, my little one. Whom I will love and nurture and be the best mother to. Yes, she said, you are an amazing nurturer. Didn't you know that? But he is patient, she said. When I'm ready, she said. Maybe in a couple years. And I felt him there and loved him. Which surprised me. Yes, I had forgotten or never known how much I love them, those little angels, and how much i could love one in particular. A grandfather is with me, protecting me. Smiling and laughing and wondering why everyone's been so stern with me. He was with me in my accident and will be with me from now on. All of them will, my angels. Even the one that is trying to get me to laugh when life feels frustrating and the damn keys keep falling off the table. Enjoy your beautiful, slim body. Like a drink of water, she said. Long and lean. Don't always complain about what it isn't; enjoy what it is. "You weren't so lean in your last life," she said; "I know that for a fact." I laughed some more. You do not have to be good. I have baby phersty's picture about my neck today, for it's our birthday. i love you, celeste, my dearest and oldest friend. you're an enya-lovin' sweet-spirited, beautiful girl, with a heart as wide as the sea, full of warm, soothing, green sea-water. You are strong and yielding. You are well and whole. Your body needs some lovins' and you need to practice being all that you really are. You're ripe as a full tomato, she said, ready to burst or be harvested, i thought. i am ready. it is time. thank you to all things good and holy (as i'm fond of saying, as there is no way to adequately express my gratitude). celeste welcome back [2007-01-18]
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