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i just met with a doc. of sorts who actually took me seriously, empathized, respected what i'm going through, and told me he'd do the best he could to help me. this was after my naturopath essentially throwing up his hands yesterday. which i was glad about, 'cause i've already realized that he was frustrated and inexperienced at working with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and criticizing me in the process--the way i'm handling this. well, mister, i'm handling this as well as i can. and that's good enough for me. sure, i sometimes need to balance it out and let it go and just relax and smile (which i do). but for the most part, my questions/concerns/research/suggestions are coming from a place of great hope/desire to be well again. i'm sticking up for myself. i'm speaking out for myself. and that can't be bad. besides, i've spent way too long grooming a great deal of compassion and respect for myself to let a little frustrated naturopath throw me off-course. So i'm glad he admitted he can't do anything else for me (though it embarrasses him to no end). He ended the conversation by suggesting lyme disease, which my heart instantly laughed at. Yes, i've had ticks in my life (being a brush/grass/tree lover), but i was sick before and after those. This started with respiratory infections in Korea taking hold of an already compromised gut ecosystem and immune system. There are answers. I know it. Now I will simply find them without the baggage of somebody constantly second-guessing my experience and my instincts. I really like this new guy. He said he thinks I have a parasite, viral, and staph infection, and no wonder i feel like crap all the time. Thank you, sir. I will be running/rollerblading/yoga-ing soon. I can feel it. abyss damn. i can't imagine anything more frightening than to let go of the old and last-holdout comfort of fear. just thinking about possibly doing it sends me shaking and crying. it is, for me, standing on the edge, only darkness ahead. it is giving up all reason, logic, and habit. it is letting go of the fact i've felt ill for 4 years and haven't been able to work for 2. it is trusting that i am loved and cared for in ways i cannot comprehend with my mind. it is having faith in myself and my own process. it is believing in my bones that i will be well and whole soon. it is knowing that i have been led this way for very good reason, and "just like a flower in spring, love will rise again to heal your wings" (Mission UK). it is actively seeking health and wellness, and yet, on the deepest level, submitting to each moment. submitting to the quiet that has been given me, the rest that has been forced upon me. submitting to the process. submitting to the divine in me and the divine around me. knowing that SHE will be well-taken care of. knowing that i will not die from the act of easing into my softness, letting the warriors inside me take their ease, being very muscle-weary and tired from having protected me for so long from what felt like my very demise, my loss of self. this is MY path. and though i see it unfolding with such wonder, it remains a mystery to me. and i remain forever grateful to my teachers and guides. those with sight clearer than my own. those who've walked their own shadow lands, emerged from their own hall of mirrors. thank you namaste celeste. yes, you too are teacher. bless you, sweet one. Just last week it snowed a foot. Today, after a fresh, cold, newly spring morning rain, the clouds parted and emptied out sunshine onto this gorgeous place. The naked, dark trees were ragged and reaching against a blue and gray and white sky. The rolling clouds lifted slowly to reveal a jagged and perfectly bold range of mountains underneath. I kept my face heavenward and could not open my lungs wide enough to receive the freshness and newness that the air was seeping. I walked full speed, with many stops for sky-gazing, my mouth agape and a grin in my heart. I savored my gratitude for the energy to walk, the feeling of uprightness in my body, the sense of fluid motion in my legs, and the lack of fever and tension in my muscles and neck. Something must be working. Thyroid? DHEA? Probiotics? Vitamin/Mineral pushes? Enzymes? Or they're all working, together. I don't care anymore. My life is not a science experiment. It is a revelation of gratitude. Either way, a rebirth is happening. celeste I musta been a plant at some point Scott and I bought a house in Salt Lake City, and it's a miracle, really, that it all came together, as we chose the WRONG time in salt lake to be BUYERs. it's a cottage, really, from the '30s. It has dark wood floors with the old silver nails and arched doorways. We painted it, much to brothers' and dad's chagrin (as they were helping us), many beautiful but subtle colors. No taupe walls and white baseboards for us, baby. We love it. Our artist-friend (real artist, not just artistic like some of us claim to be!) helped us pick out colors--i knew i needed help after I started to pick out colors for the yoga studio years ago, and our interior designer said every color i chose looked like baby vomit. oh well. so much for great shades of green. I've been unwell, but that is all changing, and I'm working with a lot of healers and such to get my health and strength back. It's an amazing process, but I'll be glad to be looking at it in the rearview mirror, if you know what i mean. But it's been also more than I bargained for in healing and joy, too, for each process of hurt and suffering holds the opportunity to heal all the sufferings of a lifetime. (Stephen Levine paraphrase.) I'm recovering from a lot of stuff that choked my heart and my breath, in many ways, and I'll be forever grateful for this time to heal. And though it definitely can cause problems, I am grateful, too, for my obstinate, determined will, as I don't think I could've made it through this otherwise. ... ... ... ... heavenly day jan 15 2007 to april 15 2007 [2007-04-14]
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Last five letters Gathering [2009-09-04] ?2002, Scott & Celeste. |