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5/25/06 Thank GOD for rivers and trees. For hills and sky. I am ecstatic�in the quietest, happiest, simplest of ways. I cried at sight and smell of the water. The color of it. The rush of its movement. It was gray and blue and green and foaming with white. Mostly in shadow, with long trees standing guard, it was sparkling with morning sunshine over patches of rocks. I feel so full and yet light and open as I sit here now, writing. Not like last night, when I was so tired and I cried in the shower. After a long day at a house dirty and small and dark and cluttered and not yet mine, planting life�my own�in the backyard sun, I was feeling small and itchy and scared and longing for HOME. I curled up naked next to Scott, sighed many times, soaking up �Scott,� and then slept. Ready to do something different on the morrow. So this morning I slowly awoke, slowly breathed, slowly stretched, and sauntered along the sidewalk, haphazardly making my way to the canyon, to the cool river. I went unhurriedly and unbusily, respecting my body�s and mind�s fatigue and tension from the day (week? month? year?) before, full of heart and air and sky, my fists and mind deliberately unclenched, letting go of yesterday�s plans and fears. I sang to my �T-Pod� nestled in my ears, to �Landslide� and �Yellow Brick Road.� I lay by the river and listened to Bono�s voice slide over ocean, rock, stream, sky, and consciousness. Like a great OM. I cried because I couldn�t help myself. My chin shook and the tears spilled out. Like the cool water flowing at my feet. I felt relaxed and calm, vibrant and alive, enough that I even felt to jump up eventually from my trance and skip along the canyon path to Dave Mathews�s �Crash� and a happy Dido tune. Without straining. Without forcing. Absolutely nothing like a runner pushing through a marathon�s last mile. Not at all. It was more like the movement of a dolphin sliding playfully through lagoon-colored waters. And it felt just as good. I want to glide. To push and strain and crash is no longer attractive to me. However, I watch myself now, though, with this project of MOVING and BUYING OUR FIRST HOUSE, and I can see how I always want to throw myself, my whole self, at a project and get it all done perfectly and quickly and artistically. I notice that when the heat starts turning on, I really do start perceiving myself as limitless and without boundaries. I become a precise tool for the work. But it overcomes me that way, nearly saturates all my little holes and caves and back rooms, �til I can hardly sleep at night. Til I can hardly smile for all the focus and concentration. Like a yoga practice without any of the pleasure or joy. But life is not like these calendar projects. It is not to be done perfectly, quickly, and in earnest. Nature is trying to teach me. It ebbs and flows. You do �enough,� �a bit at a time,� �all you can for today,� and then you let it go. And fall to sleep quickly and rest deeply. You balance out packing and planning and shopping and cleaning with walks and sunshine and empty, clear minds and full, happy hearts. You remember why the Hell you�re here in the first place�and it ain�t this project. Or the next one, really. I am more important than the �770 House,� as we like to call it. Mr. Scott Moore is my teacher in all this. The biggest reason I can finally see myself and my desire to turn into SuperGirl overnight and �do everything today!� is because Scott ISN�T that way. He does not have my intensity, which is one of my gifts, and so he doesn�t know burnout, either, one of my consequences. He teaches me the Middle Path. I will continue to practice and learn right seeing and right action. I will learn balance. I will learn to complement my drive, focus, and intensity with light-heartedness, play, and love. These also my gifts. ECSTASY [2006-05-25]
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