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Tears choked up my meditation in Kouksundo this morning. I imagined, as I often do to calm my mind and rest my thoughts, a mountain sunrise in Korea i saw when hiking one very early morning. But it's still hard to bring those images here with me, or listen to a calming bamboo flute, without some grief. I cried then, for that's all I could do. That's apparently still what I needed to do. And then cried again this afternoon watching little Asian kids dancing at a cultural show downtown. And then again on the way home, listening to "Kind friend, when will I see you again? Kind friend, help me remember who I am" by the Indigo Girls. I woke up very tired this morning, and for that reason mostly, I'm feeling lonely and lost today. I want to escape up to Tibetan hills, like Sun-hee did, and find myself a guru who would name me Brilliant Star and teach me how to be still. The world I find myself in seems very shallow, loud, and confusing. And today I'm starting to fear--though I know that leading a life based on fear only results in pain. Tomorrow I left Korea 2 weeks ago. And as far as anyone here is concerned, I was never there. Oh, but I was. And I'm afraid I'm still clinging to it, crying, though I know I will eventually let it go. And by letting it go, let it back in. Back in here. In the present. Where I'm at. The only real place to be. Clinging and Crying, ck [2003-05-17]
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