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On bright pink sofas in a brightly lit coffeeshop on New Year's Day, Scott and I came up with our resolutions, themes, and visions for 2003. Last year I buried Her and grew Serenity, with the help of Malissa's little clay pot, soil, seeds, and poetry. This year, with that serenity, I'll meditate on Happiness and remember again and again why it's so important to CHOOSE to be happy on this planet. This idea came to me New Year's Eve. We had gone to bed early to fight off the flu and whatever else we carry around here, and I thought of Happiness on my way to the bathroom around 3 am. Not an unlikely place or time for such insights. This toilet ritual happens every night--unfortunately--but it always gives me a few minutes to think in the deep night, when my mind is suprisingly clear, yet still asleep enough to be moving about in my dreams and in my subconscious. I've had many a great vision in that early morning. If you knew my mom, the great thinker (fretter) of the pre-dawn, you'd know I come by it honestly. Anyway, I was pondering the role of the martyr in my life--and in many people's lives that I know. The martyr can be such a useful role and a familiar face in difficult times, unless, of course, you actually want to be HAPPY during your short time taking breath. Though useful, the martyr is still tiresome. And much less fun than actually embracing your life and taking care of yourself and choosing to be happy. But that requires some work. But eventually, most of us grow tired of avoiding the work, throw up our hands--not in despair, but in submission and understanding--and stop pretending and start living truthfully. With some help, of course, from those who already live from their truth. It's like Courtney Jean once said, "What I've noticed is that if people want to change, they do. It's that simple." It's not that easy of course, but it is that simple. Anyway, martyrdom keeps you safe, but it also shuts out the sun. It shields and armors your heart, but it makes your chest tight and it harder to breathe and harder to feel peaceful and happy. Pink Sofas in 2003, ck [2003-01-12]
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