|
|
it really has been like walking on a broken leg, not taking care of it, and the thing never really healing. i was stubborn, yes. i refused to let it really work on me, have its way with me (as erin would say). i walked on it anyway. and complained all along for more than 3 years that i never really healed, and that there were always complications. i never dared trust god enough that a) this is all temporary--just something i'm passing through; and b) that it was happening for a good reason, and i had something to learn. once i learned it, of course, i could graduate. move on. but i never really believed. i feared being stuck there so much that i fought it and fought it, never really letting the thing work out naturally. do what it needed to do. have its way with me. make me change in the ways i needed to change. i fought darkness and cold and pain and loneliness. i did not embrace it. i did not include it as a natural part of this life, as a part of being human. i did not graciously allow for this lesson to pass over and through me. i hadn't dared, til recently, to walk through it to its end, knowing that doing that was what i feared most but also the only way to the other side. nor did i trust my dear body--its intentions for honesty and healing. i felt betrayed and angry. i wanted to look and feel perfect again. i pouted and pushed through it and did my best to yell at the universe that this was not what i wanted and that this couldn't happen to me. but it did, first of all. for a reason, second. i understood all that intuitively with my car accident. i let it wash over me, i grieved, i hurt, i felt, and i cried, but the fear did not stay. all the emotions passed. i was grateful for the gift of life. i was grateful for the lessons learned. and i was grateful for the reminder that all things are temporary--broken bones, yes, but also life itself. i was determined to receive that gift of sight and clarity and hold it close. no, i do not judge myself in this moment for how i fought the illness. i thought i was being powerful. i didn't know the difference. i did the best i could. now i'm seeing more clearly the past and how best to embrace myself and this illness, this teacher, in the present. so that, yes, i can graduate. move on. i will not deny that that is my greatest hope. but yes, it's also true that i want to move on having learned what i needed to, starting the next part of my life with gratitude and grace. not fear. my body is recovering. not despite me. but because of my changed heart and my courage to go the distance--let it take me where i need to go. There and back again. ah, fear. you are revealed to me more and more now. it's only really in the feeling of you and the overcoming of you by degrees that i begin to understand you. and begin to see why you are such an enormous liar. i love you celeste. graduation announcement [2007-01-06]
Navigation newest letter | older letters
Last five letters Gathering [2009-09-04] ?2002, Scott & Celeste. |