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This has been a year of experimenting. Experimenting with health and disease and patience and courage and love and optimism. Experimenting again with BEing. And though the spring's restored and life abounds, and winds and rains and change and movement swirl the air in and through me, I still find myself in pain and darkness at times. And I make my way to the next healer on the list, hoping for new insights and a new lease. I lie on my belly with needles like spikes running up my spine, or on my back with needles in the shins, feet, hands, and arms. I inhale his calming presence and assuring words, "You'll be well, Celeste. It will be better soon." I take his Chinese herbs, 12 a day, trying to distinguish changes in my body. I give blood and spit to a woman who tells me that my estrogen levels are extremely low, and my progesterone levels even lower. Her brow is furrowed with worry and suprise. "We'll get your ovaries working," she offers. "I'm sure you'll want to have..." She trails off and I nod my head. I await her phone call and the results of the blood test, take the hormones at night, and read literature until my head aches, finding the intersection of biochemistry and my symptoms. I let him cradle my head, manipulating loose any tension, feeling his kind energy and hopeful spirit. "Better?" he asks. "Yes, much," I say smiling. I bow and he returns the gesture. His gentle touch reminds me of my friends and healers in Korea. I sit in our big avocado-green leather chair, tears slipping down my cheeks unabashedly. My head pounding, ears aching, and my body feverish and fatigued. Leroy sits across from me, smiling. "Let's do something fun for Phersty," he suggests, trying to maintain optimism and courage when mine falter. I motion to him, he sprawls across me, letting his head drop and neck open. I bury my head into his chest and stop feeling or thinking my pain. I just feel his body and breath and warmth and lose awareness of all else. And suddenly, amidst all this, I'm GRATEFUL. Ready again to smile back at him and myself and the pain and the fatigue. "We'll figure this out," I assure him. "In any case, I love you." The real hero in my life. - [2004-04-16]
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Last five letters Gathering [2009-09-04] ?2002, Scott & Celeste. |