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I'm a gracious lady. Watching the yellow leaves sift down from the trees like rain, on my belly on old grass, feeling the autumn sun on my calves, my stomach becoming less and less tight, but my heart becoming heavy, I wonder what I'm worth. Choosing to mourn for an hour or so. To feel sadness for a great loss. To feel misunderstood and undervalued. To feel visionless and despondent. Last week I invented for myself the possibility of being AUTHENTIC and POWERFUL. The possibility of taking responsibility for my life. And I have moved gracefully into that space at times--othertimes with shaking hands and awkward, giraffe-like skinny legs. But I have not forgotten that I am CREATOR. Perhaps that was the problem, I offer to my sad, questioning spirit. I learned it too late. Perhaps this was all just a learning experience after all. Scott and I had no sense for our power and our worth, and so, over time, neither did she. And now we are walking away from our yoga studio with not much. Maybe our original cash investment, if we're persistent. Except we carry a sense of ourselves that we found a little too late for this adventure. Being with integrity and power. Being love, but being authentic--neither downplaying our value nor downplaying theirs. Just being straight about what we're worth, and being unashamed of that. To communicate that graciously and without accusation. I won't stay in this space for long, though. Already I feel my spirits lightening. Already I'm noticing the sun and the lapis-blue sky rather than the dying leaves. I'm sure we'll create new avenues for our lives and cash in on the benefits of our having loved and lost. But for this moment, I'm quiet and tired and have no anger or hurt, just a sense of loss. Loss, ck [2003-10-28]
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