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I felt like a white-haired sensitive 9-year-old. felt smushed and silenced and happy to please. felt my spirit hanging on their every word, their every need, their every command. forgetting i had any needs myself. felt my strong soul bleed out of my feet into the earth. felt my power evaporate from my skin. felt the hole growing bigger in my middle. i've watched this happen with horror for the last several weeks. funny thing is, i lived that way for years, with some pain. now it kills me. rips my heart right out of my flesh. makes my knees tremble and my path nothing but a linoleum floor. yesterday i walked around all day, surprised at my 28-year-old face in reflection. surprised at the pain and the joy and the growth and the wisdom on that face. because in this home i'm white-haired and 9-years-old. i don't know how to play many other roles here. which was fine when i WAS that age. but my spirit has grown far too large for that little frame. and that's a good thing. and it's a miracle and a revelation that i just can't stand not being able to stand, ya know? that i feel so uncomfortable when my SELF starts to dribble out of my eyes. my boxes are at my new place. it's really time that i join them. dripping spirits, ck [2003-05-27]
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