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Malissa's treasured mix cd is on repeat. "Pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are." Scott is making pizza for my birthday celebration tonight with some other teachers. I'm in this old teal and white terrycloth bathrobe we found in the apartment, feeling extremely pensive. Scott turns and says he's going to miss me when I'm gone. I cry. He sticks his tongue out at me, trying to get me to "hate him and stop crying." It just makes me love him all the more. I have just over a week in this country. And though I'm relieved to finish teaching and excited to be home, I'm melancholy about leaving. I avoided telling Jinsoon I was leaving early for as long as possible. I didn't want to face her reaction. I didn't want to confront that I was leaving her. Last night she found out. After being our practical, efficient boss, she eventually fell silent. So did we. And then I saw her surface some tears. Of course that made me do the same (I come from a long line of sturdy criers), so we laughed instead. Then she said a careful, slow, beautiful, Jinsoon-y "You two are unforgettable." I smiled and loved her in my heart. Then we left and I sobbed straddling Scott's lap, head on his shoulder. I cried because 7 months ago I didn't know she existed, and now I can hear my heart tearing to part with her. I stroke my heart with "You'll be back. You need to come back and seriously study kouksundo," or "She'll surely visit you in America one day." But I know I may never see her again. And so another end to a tiny piece of this great adventure of life. Another person to cherish with a silent tear and a deep smile. Another loving face to hum to in my core. Another soul to guide me on my life's journey. Not that it matters in the end, for she has played her part beautifully in this play, and that's all that matters, but I hope she knows how our GIANT HOPE and LOVE that put us on a plane headed for Asia were realized mostly because of HER. Leroy and I came here knowing there would be joy, goodness, and growth. Trusting we'd find peace, meditation, and stillness here. As we saw it, all we had to do was find the courage to get on the plane, put down roots here, and not look back. And the rest? That would be taken care of. Thank you, Tame Star, for your peaceful smiles, warm eyes, cackle laughter and happy mouth, your tapered, gentle fingers... for art museums and flowers sturdy enough to grow out of concrete; for meditative, gracious meals at Green World; for tea; for meditation (Jinsoon perched next to my sprawling body, whispering, "Smile, close your eyes, clear your mind, relax, imagine you're the happiest person on earth, put your loved ones in your core and send your loving mind to them"); for ancient, graceful kouksundo; for concerned calls and loving massages; for sharing and trusting your deepest self with us; for your sacrifice and translation; for getting my classes covered when I was in bed with fever; for hikes and talks; for Buddhism and traditional Korean culture. And mostly, thank you for trusting the Universe as much as I do. You're forever my black-haired sister, and I your yellow-haired friend and soul. Tame Star, ck [2003-04-24]
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Last five letters Gathering [2009-09-04] ?2002, Scott & Celeste. |