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this diary intends to be much like our experience--very raw. no editing or subtracting. just cataloguing feelings and events. a delineation of the process we go through. it's a mental journey, really. and, like i told scott, though it may not be pleasant to go through the process, at least i'm going through it. i haven't got stuck on any paticular stage yet. just letting myself feel what i feel, not reacting, and then moving on. after a night of fever and diarrhea, i'm still here and ready to be so. awoke to emails from loved ones encouraging me to be where i am and to force down my roots into the ground, encouraging me to live out what there is to be lived out here. and i know they're right. and i do feel much like an observer--ready to see and experience what there is to see and experience here. i have a lot to learn, and i'm trying to not halt that process with a big panic brake. actually, i've been surprisingly calm. just living through this first chunk of time, giving myself some space to be wide-eyed, and then hoping to develop some patterns and see some amazing places. that's mostly what i'm excited about. if i think about leaving, i curse--"darn, i won't be able to see that! or that! or that!" and i want to see those things. that's one of the main reasons we came here. not to be comfortable, that's for sure. we left comfort intentionally, i recall. tired of its numbing effects. i came here to be uncomfortable, and so, as far as that goes, i guess things are working out great. i have learned so much already. we've made our place quite funky and cool. and i must admit, i've always wanted orchids. now, yellow orchids and hanging plants fill the place. :) i've cleaned up my little space, and now i'm going to see and experience everything else. yellow orchids [2002-10-21]
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