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Letter to Ann-Marie Charbonneau: i'm at the end (like last week) of this pretty intense intestinal cleanse, and i've been wiped out more than usual. thanks for your empathy and compassion, old friend. yes, i got sick in korea with sinus infections and bronchitis (i had never had either before), over and over again, and it weakened my system and so i've been struggling with infections ever since (and the hormonal and organ chaos that ensues--it's very hard on your adrenals and heart, for example, to have bacterial infections chronic and unrelenting). So yeah, it's been 4 years i've been learning how to heal my body. in the meantime, of course, i have had whopping doses of sloughing off of old crap that doesn't serve me in my mind and spirit as well. i really feel like this cleansing is going to make a huge difference. and then do my best to build my immune system and my basic life-force, essentially, and take good care. i have high hopes. but then, i always have. i am an optimist and a learner, and i have been humbled and brought back down to the basics. it has been an absolute gift for me. but it has hurt like hell at times. and i have learned how to be okay with that--cry, talk about it, write in my journal--let the natural fear, frustration, anger, loss, what-have-you come UP and OUT, and then move on in the direction that my heart tells me. Which is, of course, in general terms, doing my best to create a life and a body where i have abundant energy and vitality, so i can do all the things i love on this planet. BUT the time-frame has not been mine. i would've forced this to go away 4 years ago. but i had many things to learn in the interim. and i am forever grateful that i could NOT FORCE this away. that my wee mind DIDN'T have all the CONTROL. that life became my friend and teacher, and i had to learn how to soften and let it mold me. though it was harsh at times, i am grateful for it, for it has taught me to live with more joy and peace and calm and love and equanimity. and it saved me from the harsher aspects of myself, which were essentially running the show at that stage in my life. and i didn't know it. wow. i guess i needed to write all that. so there you go. :) i am hoping to go to europe (berlin) with my parents in the fall. i cannot force it, as the most important thing is for me to get well and strong. but if it were possible, that's really what i'm intending and praying for. i've essentially healed from the accident, except i' haven't had the energy to really build any strength or flexibility back, so i have old woman body, but i know it will come back as soon as i have the energy to work on it. see, i get sinus infections (bacteria, mold, virus, everything, who knows) about every quarter, and they kick me totally on my butt, and it takes me 2-3 months to get over them. and then i'm weak and exhausted (and probably still working with infections of all sorts), and then something happens (i do too much --which doesn't take much; a walk, for example-- or get chilled, or don't sleep, or what have you) and then i get another full-blown infection again. it essentially all goes back to my gut--dysbiosis. all sorts of problems there. bad bacteria. no good bacteria. parasites. yeast overgrowth. etc. so constipation is a big problem, the whole gut as essentially turned into a fermenting bog. it's the beginning and the end of this thing. so that is where my focus is now. i'm doing fresh veggie juices (so i can get some freaking nutrition, as nothing is being absorbed or used otherwise), and i've just started a month-long intestinal cleanse and healing program. i have high hopes. really high. like getting my life back. this whole thing has been extremely difficult. i've given up essentially everything that i used to believe made ME, and made my life happy and meaningful. and then just sat with it (like an uninvited, persistent teacher), and learned what i needed to. and i've been given a time to really go deep--to experience the dark night of the soul--to really meditate and be with myself, etc etc etc. but scott and i are both getting COOKEd and done with this thing. we have faith and hope that i will get better soon, and we just need to stay the course and keep doing what comes next--what comes to me and strikes me as what i need to do. it really has boiled down to me trusting my gut--trusting my instincts. rather than a tear-stained face searching the city for anybody anybody to "heal" me. wow. what a journey. i feel like i'm on the tail end (at least of the health crisis), but of course i can't be sure. that's what stepping into the darkness implies. it would be a whole hell of a lot eaiser if my future self would come back and reassure me that'll it just be 2 more months. but that ain't gonna happen. and i know i'd lose a lot of the growth along the way if it did. so i just keep plodding along, in my own intense, beautiful, loving, courageous way, and cry and call for my mama when i need to... :) so, that's the scoop, really. everything else is on hold until i actually have energy to get out of the horizontal position for weeks/months at a time (my heart skipped a beat just writing that--i can't tell you how grateful i will be...). in hindsight, ck [2007-07-15]
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