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gratitude i just finished the most gentle, sweet, peaceful of yoga practices. my lips turned up into a smile, and i felt sensual, alive, grateful, blessed, and smooth and sweet. i tapped it into my heart, so my body would remember the feeling. i announced JOY to myself, like i were announcing the arrival of a much-overdue and much-respected GUEST. and then i slipped into the earth in savasana, finally feeling a little bit of home there. i embraced my heart with my hands, and i have never felt such sweetness with myself. such a thing i have gone through. such pain i have passed through. such difficulty i have endured. and what joy and tenderness abide after the storms of hurt and the desperate attempts at survival stop being useful and eventually pass away. thank the Creator for Jaisri, Merrilee, Dr. Morgan, Jen (at Dr. Morgan's), Scott, my mother, D'ana, Peter, Sunny, Dr. Vasant Lad, Carolyn Paquette, so many others, and my own brave and loving heart. We are definitely supported, by forces seen and unseen. The practice is to remember that, time and again. CALLING ALL ANGELS, WALK ME THROUGH THIS WORLD, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE . . . Merrilee, thank you. I do feel ecstasy in my heart. Yes, let's move that ecstasy down, all the way down. That's a good plan. We'll approach the pelvis carefully, letting things happen at the pace they need to. Introduce to my pelvis the brightness and joy that is the rest of me, and let my cells heal. Thank you for letting me cry. And waiting still. And letting me cry some more. And still watching and waiting with such love and attention and nonjudgment. And letting me cry some more. Thank you for realizing what it means to me to have my needs met--to be loved and supported and held at this time. For seeing me as my spirit feels--as a newborn: eating, crying, yawning, sighing, and sleeping--building and growing. Thank you for seeing the "wise men" coming to me--the angels coming to my side, to my cradle, offering support, wisdom, adoration, and love. Thank you for being as excited about and awed by my healing as i am. Thank you for seeing my radiance and beauty, and respecting my place of newness and vulnerability. Thank you for not even remotely making me feel judged or afraid. Your gift is rare, indeed. Thank you for opening the doors of the temple, the sanctuary, with such love and tenderness and warmth. And thank you for holding my heart and my head, inviting the highest good with the most grace and beauty into my body and spirit. Thank you for witnessing to me that i have passed the test, and that "the hard part is over," again and again. And for your awareness of what I have sensed many times: that I chose this path, this pain, in my early years, so that I would gain for myself much wisdom. That I would have the opportunity to heal myself so that I could truly love and inspire others. Thank you for noting that I have great and exciting work and adventures ahead of me--so crazy and wonderful that if you were to tell me, i wouldn't be able to believe or even imagine it. Thank you for your help washing away all the pain and discomfort and lies. I left you and felt 20 pounds lighter, and a much lighter shade of myself, and about 10 years younger. In fact, I felt like a toddler--bubbly and bright and honest and clear. My face shone, and I remembered myself. Dearest Jaisri, you led me to Dr. Lad, knowing it would invoke change. Knowing it would create a breakthrough for me. Thank you. And thank you for always being willing to be the voice on the other end of the line. I have called you when I could summon no more insight or courage, and you were always there. Thank you for agonizing for me. For remarking with a smile and wink that this is a lot of karma to work through. But for never passing any judgment upon me, when it could have been so easy for you to do so. Thank you for having even more wisdom than that--knowing so much that you realize how sacred this all is, and how little we can say of another's path. How sure you are of our being loved and supported and guided. Thank you for teaching me and scott again to let go and to trust, and to do our best with what we have, with compassion and (always!!!) with love. The most important thing always being love. Thank you for teaching me ayurveda and the processes of living and healing. Thank you for reminding me again and again to live wisely in this time, to not waste this precious opportunity of healing. For reminding me how to live with meditation and prayer, mantra and yoga. For being always the best example and mentor for me--full of light, hope, wisdom, softness, and joy. Thank you. I love you. And my dearest angel, scott. Thank you for being willing to grow larger and more beautiful than you ever thought possible of yourself. Thank you for becoming, with so much effort and grace, the most mature and lovely version of yourself. For growing from such potential into such gifts. Thank you for learning how to let me cry and process things--so i no longer need to stuff them down inside anymore. Thank you for holding me and warming me. Thank you for generating such compassion and interest in me and in a process that was so uncomfortable and unfamiliar, years ago. Thank you for holding space for so many conflicting and needy things, all at once. Thank you for learning how to prioritize, and to prioritize love as #1, again and again. For working hard to keep the boat afloat, and trusting me and trusting God that all will work out in the end, and that you can have faith and be held, too, in this process. Thank you for remembering who i really am, and being so quick to forget the shadows, the dark eyes, the tears, the weakness, and the despair of this whole thing. Thank you for spinning me around, buying me "treats" (ie, kombucha), rubbing me down with oils, and praying over me and for me. You are something else, you know that? I honor you, angel. And I respect your process, too--all that you have learned and felt and hurt for in the last several years. And though i have been very weak and sick, my heart is strong, damn strong, baby, and it beats loudly for you. It supports you and lifts you, even when you feel alone out there on the trail. You're not. We're with you. I love you, scottmoore. gratitude [2007-05-07]
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