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I left the house and didn't look back. I sighed with relief and the thrill of a close call. I walked to the Good Earth, so far the only place here in Utah that hasn't made me feel even remotely culture-shocked. I picked up a dandelion on the way, the lion's teeth, and thought of my own courage and thought of the fierce independence of my friend Jinsoon. I arrived to Malissa's giant happy hug, and then a second happy hug--cause one wasn't enough, and then I showed her the victory dance. The "I just narrowly missed defeat" dance. She understood completely and did just what I needed her to do: clapped and smiled and whooped and gave me a happy third hug. We laughed and ate salads and cursed doctors in white robes with mouths full of condescensions. We loved ourselves and each other and the air and hummus and the ability to cope with potentially terrifying times. And then I bought irises for my mother, who has furnished courage of her own on my behalf. Who has managed to be my friend and my ally, even in the face of some pain. And then I called Leroy, who I figured was nursing some fears about Phersty falling apart and his having to pick up the pieces. Which he was. And I reassured him and myself and whoever else wants to know in this wide universe that I'LL BE FINE. And I'm sorry if I wasn't more careful and perhaps implied otherwise. It's always tempting to be okay until you talk on the phone with your lover, and then to really NOT be okay and somehow forget to mention to them that you WERE okay and you'll be okay again. Scott and I have some old bruises that are still showing color from times before. But we both are reassured time and again that we have changed. And the only thing that could hamper that change is our FEAR. We are creators, the both of us. And we will keep creating honesty, love, self-sufficiency, respect, interdependence, and faith. So no fears, little ones (Phersty, Scottie hearts). All is well. I'm done with overreacting here. I've done enough of that (permission to have done some) and am going to just keep having faith and keep making this experience my own. Dents de Lion, ck [2003-05-08]
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