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i didn't write for awhile. after i scribbled down (well, kind of) that last entry, i wondered whether i should've been quite so frank. on-line. but i'm so glad i was. and did. because, well, (to have this conversation, i must first sit you down with me on the grass and start stretching out and picking at weeds and chewing on grass) you know, uncovering and learning to see yourself and accept yourself prevent a lot of self-censorship. once you start seeing, you stop judging, blaming, praising, appraising... you just begin understanding. and what a liberation. to just be me. and to not feel particularly attached to or revolted by any of it. because none of IT is me at any given moment. i'm just passing through it all, changing all the time. and why the change? because i'm starting to SEE stuff. more than i ever have before. and once you see it, it's all over for that thing. once you really see it, it loses its authority over you in that moment. so the discomfort from SEEING all this stuff is soon and easily replaced by the relief at having seen it. the release of expectations. the "celeste is celeste's friend and no longer her judge and critic" release. yeah, now you're looking up at the sky and wondering why celeste must babble on so about such zen-type topics. can't help it really. it's the landscape here. not the real landscape, of course. but the one i keep finding myself in. the landscape i was sent to here. for instance, the ORIENTAL MEDICINE DOCTOR... After a month of illness and a week of exasperation, I was taken there by my dear Korean friend, sister, and twin (in many respects), Miss Moon. Stepping into the reception area was like stepping into a jar of herbs. not an herb store, mind you. the jar itself. this is the real stuff, i thought to myself. the quiet little man felt the pulse in my wrists (and whatever else he was looking for), asking me to close my eyes. 3 seconds later he's telling Miss Moon all about me--physically and emotionally. she translated for me each of his insights and suggestions. vegetarian? (pretty much--yup.) experience some ups and downs? an emotional person? (um, yeah.) low energy, problems in the belly? (um, dang. not recently, no. but you're right on with that one, more than i'll let on in this quick interview.) low energy, poor circulation, DELICATE--very careful with everything and very sensitive to everything. (interesting word choice--a lot of truth comes out in these rough korean translations--they just say it like they see it) your mind is always busy and occupied and moving? (shoot, yeah. you try shutting it up) this one's good: your native energy, she tells me, is a kind of resistance to being forced. you don't like to be controlled. you resent it. (wow. does that show? is that true? shoot, that is true.) and suddenly i start to see. and my eyes fill with tears, despite my efforts to be a good careful korean and a good simple patient. i got a bagful of those herbs to be used like teas (to stop the coughing and to increase my energy and circulation), stepped out of the office, and have been thinking about it now for 3 days. first of all, my amazement at the whole medical system here--its wholistic approach. we'd like to try that in the West, but we're forcing it (and really not getting it). but here, it's as natural as a woman on her haunches selling cabbage strewn across the dirty sidewalk. of course he'd look at ALL of me to understand me. my energy, my body, my mind. second, i've been able to use what he said as fuel for approaching my world in ways that are less stressful and burdensome to my body and mind. to let things go more. to stop the prattle more. to recognize when i get all irritated and out of sorts and why. that experience was quickly followed by a MEDITATION RETREAT up in the mountains an hour outside of town. Miss Moon took me there, too. Despite my misgivings about "not staying in while I'm sick." she said she had asked the doctor, and he had said to go, so i went. she can be very convincing, and i was easily convinced because i came to korea in part to go to such retreats. but i'll have to relay those events tomorrow. the day winds down, and i must off. there's more water to drink (my secret sickness weapon--drink until the beasties have no choice but to float away) and more rest to have. zen on the grass [2002-12-03]
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